Whaaaaat the FUCK? And I mean this in the best way possible, of course.

( Thank you, Wicked gods. )

I don't think there has ever been an easier question for me to answer. OLIVIA BENSON from Law and Order: SVU. She's hot and she's badass. A very good combination in my book.

I can't believe this. They're completely cutting Pennsylania Governor's School. After the fucking application process. We all put a ton of work into putting together transcripts, resumes, and writing 2 essays. I spent a lot of time on my application. I heard so many good things about it, and I got my hopes up about going. I wasn't guaranteed to get in, but as one of the best math/science students in my school, I was fairly confident. Results were supposed to be mailed in less than a month. This was my opportunity to pretty much secure admission into Carnegie Mello, and possibly the other colleges I'm looking at. And more than that, it was a chance to get away from here and spend 5 weeks with a bunch of people who know nothing about me other than that I am good at science. I could completely start over, and if people didn't like me there, so what, I would be leaving. It was exactly what I needed.

But now it's gone. The state cut all the funding. I can't even describe how angry I am.

And, because apparently the world hates me, people were completely incompetent today, which is just what I need. When I can do 3 times as much work as you in the same amount of time, that shows you're doing something wrong. Or, you know, when I tell you to look confused, actually change your facial expression so that our video project makes sense. Or pay attention at least once in the class so you know when the fucking test is! I can't deal with stupidity on a regular basis, how am I expected to deal with it today?

I came home after school and explained everything to my mom, and then I finally got a moment of peace and privacy. 45 seconds later, she knocks on my door for some useless reason, sees that I'm upset and asks "What's wrong?" Really? Really??? Did my obvious anger and disappoinment over losing governor's school and my explanation of people's idiocy not seem to justify being upset? Really.

Random life stuff that no one really cares about.

( Cut so I don't bore anyone to death )

I haven't died. I just suck at posting. I'm on LJ every day, but for some reason I never post.

Anyway, I just have to say that I really enjoy these screencaps:





(thanks to Elphie!Baby from the TEE forum for the screencaps).

The first preview of The L Word season 6 has been released. And oh my god, it looks like it's going to be awesome.



Seriously, could these women get more gorgeous?

Because I'm addicted to LJ, and I have nothing else better to do. And because the Fed is super-pretty.

( Just her and me... the Wicked Witch of the East! )

Why do things have to be complicated. That's not really a question, actually. One of my conversations on AIM today went like this:

Me (referring to her constantly changing her mind about she likes):
youre not easy to keep track of :P

Lily: haha

Lily: well no.

Lily: thats okay

Lily: you are very easy

Lily: as you dont like people...or tell me

Me: i sorta like someone right now but... were not getting into that right now

Lily: rightnow?

Lily: soo later?

Lily: or no?

Me: probably

Lily: cool. someone i know?

Me: yeah, but you know a lot of people

Translation: YOU. I've liked you for a year and I want to tell you but I don't have a chance with you and I'd rather not destroy our friendship, so I'll continue to keep my mouth shut.

Fuck this, fuck junior year, fuck school.

I got this from a friend and I had to post it, because it's just so true.

Holy shit. I just asked Eden a question on the Fruit Salad Show podcast. I was really nervous, but that was amazing.

The podcast is at fruitsaladshow.com, it's an awesome interview, plus, uh, me being really excited and awkward.

I really need a new layout. Something related to Julia, Eden, etc. would be preferable, but seriously, I need something less boring than this. It probably won't change, though, because I am so totally unskilled at this kind of stuff.

In other news: Homecoming weekend was awesome. I spent the football game goofing off with the girl I like, then danced with her a lot at homecoming (including on a table), and then Sunday was RENT. That was just plain amazing. Eden on the big screen=win. And, of course, the rest of the movie was amazing, too.

Tennis is finally ending. I'm happy about getting home at a decent time after school, not having to  plan everything around it, not having to deal with the annoying freshmen, and not having to drag that fucking bag around anymore. But, it's also kinda sad, since we're losing our seniors (oh wait, that's only 2, and I hate one of them), and something that has become second nature to me this year won't be happening again for a whole year. But still. So much stress will finally be gone on Wednesday.

I always have to be counting down to something. Last week had been RENT, this week had been season premiere of Pushing Daisies (thank god that's back), and now it's the Tour de Nerdfighting. Not that anyone on LJ knows what that is, but November 11 will go down in history as one of the greatest gatherings of all time.

Ugh. Why is junior year sucking? I have no time, and it's killing me. I might have four tennis matches this week, which is a lot, but we can't possibly have one on Friday because the asshole who runs the sports department at my school only cares about football. He won't let us schedule a match the day of the homecoming game in fear that he might not sell a few more tickets. But that's fine, maybe I can see my best friend on Friday, who I haven't seen in months. Or maybe she'll be hanging out with someone else from my school who she's now become closer with. Oh no, that'll be Saturday night at Homecoming. She could have told me that she's coming, but no. I had to find it out from someone else.

We still don't know what we're doing before homecoming. Two of my close friends might not go with us because of their summer theatre friends. So that leaves only a few of us, which might mean I have to have it at my house. Which means I have to clean. I don't have time for that. Nor do I really feel like it. I'm getting my hair cut that day, and I have a leopard print dress. That'll be awesome.But then the awkwardness of not wanting to dance with any guys will happen. Damn not being out. At least the next morning will be amazing. I'm seeing RENT in the movie theatre on Sunday, and I'm so excited. I'm clearly not a normal teenager when I know what dates RENT is in the movie theaters, but I don't realize that it's the same weekend as my own homecoming. Anyway, I can't wait for that.

And then there's the drama in school. My closest guy friend and I like the same girl. No one is supposed to know that he likes her, but his sister told a few people, and now, because of one person's stupidity, the girl we like knows. (At least only a few people know about my crush.) Now she says it's awkward with him, because he's been talking her through her failing relationship, as have I. And, lately, I've been remembering how much I like her. Which is A LOT. I hate crushes on straight girls.

And if that wasn't enough shit, somehow my ex-friend manages to piss me off even after we haven't spoken for 5 months. We were really close friends for a while, and then I came out to him, and he got really weird. It wasn't even homophobia, it was just weirdness. He would bring up topics somehow related to my gay-ness at the lunch table in front of everyone, and other shit like that. One day, I yelled at him for talking about The L Word at lunch, and he pretty much ignored me. When we talked about it online, I admitted that maybe I had overreacted, but it was completely justifiable. I didn't want to come out yet, and he was on the verge of outing me. When I didn't apologize for yelling at him, because I hadn't really done anything wrong, he told me I wasn't even human for not apoligzing and we got into a huge fight and stopped speaking. So the other day, my sister tells me at practice "Today in health, Emily [this guy's sister] was like 'Did you know your sister's a lesbian?'" You have no idea how pissed I was. He knew not to tell anyone, but told his sister anyway, and didn't tell her to keep it a secret. Luckily I came out to my sister a few weeks ago. Seriously, I'm gonna kick his ass.

I should be writing my lab report for AP chem, but instead I'm typing this. Clearly, I'm not a procrastinator at all.

Screaming La Vie Boheme B at the top of my lungs with one of my friends on the tennis bus reminded me that I should be celebrating RENT, not being depressed over its ending. It's a show about living in the moment and measuring in love, so why sit and dwell on the fact that it's not there? I was reminded how much the line "To faggots, lezzies, dykes, crossdressers, too!" is significant. I listened to it and realized the amount of pride in that one line. Taking the insulting names others give to us, and turning it around for our own self-empowerment- it's just so amazing. It fits so well with the whole 'To being an us, for once, instead of a them!" theme. And that's how RENT makes me feel. When there's so much hatred out there, it's amazing to have a show that preaches acceptance; being comfortable with ourselves and loving others for who they are. Within two hours of the final show being over, and audio was uploaded and gifted online. I love RENT fans.

Instead of just talking a lot this time, I'm posting some of my pics, too. Under a cut, because they're huge.

( Viva La Vie Boheme! )

I can't believe this is goodbye.

RENT has changed my life in a way nothing else can. I went into the movie theater a few years ago, knowing nothing about what I was about to watch, and I came out a slightly different person. I loved the movie, but it wasn't until I got the soundtrack that I fell in love with it completely. I became obsessed. It got me into theatre, which is now my main interest, really. But the most important impact it had on my life was helping me realize my sexuality. It wasn't until RENT that I even thought about gays/lesbians in depth. While it took me a long time to realize, I'm pretty sure that this led to me knowing that I'm a lesbian. To faggots, lezzies, dykes, crossdressers too!

I've watched the movie 21 times, and seen it live. There's nothing like being able to experience the magic in the theatre that held it all, to feel the energy of the live performance. Thank god I got to see it this summer, I would have been so depressed if I had never been able to experience that. Meeting Eden Espinosa was great, but I'm realizing the significance now of what I got to do June 16, 2008. The cast was amazing, and of course, the show itself was more powerful than anything else I've ever seen. I will never forget it.

When they first announced it was closing, I wasn't that upset about  it. It had a successful twelve year run, and I figured it was just its time to go. But now, I'm not so ok with it. I've been upset all day. I cried when listening to One Song Glory, and in the car, I had trouble holding myself together during Goodbye Love. Now that the day is here, it finally hit me.

We've come to the end of a twelve year era. RENT hasn't had the same impact on me as so many other people, but it did change my life, and it has touched so many peoples lives. Knowing that it can't do that for even more people is heartbreaking. 

It was us, baby, who were the lucky ones. Goodbye, love. Thank you, Jonathan Larson.

Tennis started today. It's so weird; each season has been different, but this one especially. I mean, new coach, lots of new people, most of the top of the ladder gone- it's just crazy. The other day I was thinking about the familiarity of going back to the team. You know, no matter how much the school year is different from the past two years, I'll still have tennis to keep me sane. Or, drive me nuts, but that's nothing new. Every day, I'll go to the courts, do my homework at the matches (oh god, varsity is really going to get in the way of that), and drag that stupid bag around. But fuck, it's scaring me a little. This year, I'm going to be college-searching, and probably working harder than this past year. Though, that's not that hard to accomplish, considering how lazy I was. But one thing that could change everything: I'm thinking about coming out. Living in such a middle-of-nowhere, conservative, Christian town isn't gonna help with that. So if everything has been flipped upside down, what's staying the same? Tennis wouldn't be enough to comfort me anyway, but still. Will I still be in fencing? What's going on with the dance studio that's keeping me from securing a spot in the fall schedule? What's gonna change with my dad's new job? How many friends am I gonna stay close to? Ugh, this is all small stuff compared to what other people have to deal with, but it's still freaking me out a little. Whatever, I'm still the same person. It's kind of ridiculous that the first day of tennis brought this on, of all things. I just hope it goes away soon. I don't need to be starting the school year worrying about shit like this. 

What the hell is with my brain today? I'm gonna hope that it's the 4 hours of sleep. Because otherwise I don't really have an excuse.

I've recently decided that maybe posting here could be a good idea. I had planned to have a huge, excited, rambling post after my New York trip (or my Espirney Journey as I so cleverly named it), but I never got around to it. And I wouldn't shut up about it to my friends/family, so I didn't need to talk about it more online, really. Oh hey, look, I'm still talking about it. But anyway, considering my current boredom and my lack of social skills during the summer, I figured I might as well ramble here about useless things. Then no one is forced to listen to it :D.

So, I finally put together a real bootleg trading list. I'm not gonna be one of those shitty "This is rare, so give me 7 different things for it and pay me for things" type of trader. I just want to be able to have recordings of my favorite performers/ help other people do the same. My list is here: http://www.freewebs.com/understandallmysteries

Aaaaand, that's about it. I don't really have anything to be posting about, I'm mostly just occupying my time. Once tennis starts, it'll be different. But until then, I'm bored out of my mind.